Sometimes I don’t know why I torture my own self. If I’m lonely why don’t I go hang out with friends?

I just got back from a trip with my friend to our local tattoo/piercing parlor. Unfortunately, it’s in the process of moving out of town. That being said it wasn’t open but I still had fun with my friend. It was refreshing to get out of my house.

I am currently on winter break and staying at home in my home town, one of the most boring places in the world. It’s one of those small towns where everyone comes to retire. So you can say not much happens here. I can’t wait for school to start again.

It’s been 6 days into the New Year and you might be wondering what I have done to accomplish my resolution yet. Nothing. Yup, that’s right nothing. That may sound like a negative but I think it’s a positive. I haven’t gotten wasted off my ass, I haven’t smoked, and I haven’t had sex with a stranger. But I think I need to actually start working to be a better person. How does one go about being a better person? Well, I thought of things that I might like to do: smile more, do yoga, exercise, eat less crap, and care more about my outward appearance. Sounds like a bunch of silly things right? Personally I need to be less lazy and I wish I smiled more. I used to smile so much when I was younger, for no reason too. I had a friend nick named me Smiley since I never stopped smiling. Now, I don’t smile enough.

At what age did we switch from not caring about what people think, to caring about what people think? Innocence is sweet. Why do we have to lose that?

Anyways, I’m going to start logging what I do. From what I eat to how much I exercise to anything else I feel like writing down. Why? Because it’s the only way I won’t let myself slip. And if I do, I’ll have it written down to feel guilty about. Doesn’t that sound great? *sarcasm*

I’m scared to write into words how I actually feel. And then read them out loud and feel stupid. Writing the words down almost makes me feel like I’m admitting I’m a bad person. Well, not a bad person but not a great person. I don’t know what really defines a great person. I like to think I’m unique with my own qualities and flaws but sometimes I wonder if I have more flaws than others. Most of the time, I feel like I’m being judged. “Oh, that’s Bambi for you”.  People not minding what I do but happy it wasn’t them who did it.

It’s embarrassing just writing this down…I feel so lost sometimes. I guess it’s a normal thing to feel. Lately, I feel like it more than not. And that’s way I’m starting a New Year’s Resolution to be a better person. I’ve chosen very superficial things to change myself. Drink less. Be safer about sex. Be healthier.  Don’t smoke. I also want to draw more, be a better dancer, and only have sex with a boyfriend.

As most sad stories start mine begins with a boy.

I started unofficially seeing him at the beginning of 2009. It started mostly with drunken hook ups but as the year progressed it started becoming something more. I was head over heels for him. Since I started going to college I haven’t met one guy who made my comfortable to be in my own skin around them and I mean really comfortable. That was Dain for me. I was always laughing with him, I felt unbelievably comfortable, and we were having great sex. He told me I was beautiful and why he liked me. He had more reasons why he liked me than I liked him! But still we were mostly only seeing each other at night and whenever I brought up the possibility of us being more he would say he wasn’t ready for that. As the school year came to an end I figured it was over or maybe just maybe I would see him again next school year.

First day off of school Dain called me. He called me! This never happens. Of course, it was because he was horny and I wasn’t there but I was still very happy. Over the summer we would email each other every other day. And then one day Dain asked me what I really wanted out of this relationship. I told him and he told me we should just be friends. I was devastated. However, he reassured me I was a wonderful person and I never felt more comfortable with any other girl. Somehow we carried on our normal relationship, still emailing each other and Dain subtly flirting with me. It was kind of cruel. We can’t be together yet you tell me I’m wonderful and flirt with me. I really didn’t care then because I guess you could say I loved him.

School started again and we saw each other a couple times during the first two weeks. All we did was fuck. Now this is where the real tragedy begins.

Be Be Your Love by Rachael Yamagata